// intel / psychology

why nice guys get ghosted (it's not what you think)

tldr: Nice guys get ghosted because their texts put women on a pedestal, and a pedestal is not respect. It's benevolent sexism. Treating her like a delicate glass figurine feels patronizing, not polite, and she can read it in one line.

#nice-guys#ghosting#dating-apps#texting#attraction

You think you respect women.

You don't. Not in the way you think you do. And that's why she's not texting back.

I need to say something uncomfortable before I show you the texts. The polite, careful, non-offensive way you're messaging her is a form of sexism. Not the Mad Men kind. Not the red pill kind either. A quieter kind. The kind that hides inside a compliment. The book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover calls it out cleanly: nice guys aren't actually nice. They're transactional. They're performing niceness because they want something back. And she can feel that from the first message.

what is benevolent sexism in texting?

It's putting her on a pedestal and calling it respect.

You treat her like a glass figurine. Delicate. Sensitive. Something that might shatter if you say something edgy. So you don't say anything edgy. You write the safe opener. You proofread it. You strip out the joke because a joke is a double-edged sword and it might land wrong and offend her.

Read that back. You just decided she can't handle a joke. That's not respect. That's you deciding she's fragile. You're texting her with kid gloves, and kid gloves feel like exactly what they are. Patronizing.

The guys crushing on the apps are not the ones who look most "respectful" on paper. By your definition, they'd look reckless. But watch what they actually do. They treat her like an equal. Like a friend. Like a person instead of a puzzle to solve or a bomb to defuse. That's the whole thing. Stop treating her like a puzzle. Treat her like a person.

This is the same trap I wrote about in women think "nice guys" on the apps are dangerous. The niceness reads as a mask. And a mask is scary.

what does nice guy sexism look like in an actual text?

Here's the tell. She got back from a trip. Watch what you send.

her: just got back from portugal, it was unreal

you: oh wow that's so cool! where did you go? i've been wanting to travel more. any recommendations?

Now watch what I'd send instead.

her: just got back from portugal, it was unreal

you: did you bring me something back or are we already off to a bad start

Sit with that.

The first one is an interview. Where did you go, any recommendations, tell me more, I'm so interested. You sound like a guy filling out a form. You put her experience on a pedestal and asked to be educated by it. The second one treats her like someone you already have a rapport with. It's playful. It assumes closeness. It's the text you'd send a friend who owed you a magnet from the airport.

Which one gets a response. You already know.

why does the polished opener feel worse than the dumb one?

Because polish is the mask.

She mentions she's a teacher. The nice guy in you reaches for reverence.

her: i teach 3rd grade

you: that's awesome, teachers don't get enough credit honestly. what grade do you teach?

Boring. And you didn't even read her message, she just told you the grade. Here's the version I send now.

her: i teach 3rd grade

you: i got sent to the principal's office four times in one semester so i'm gonna need you not to hold that against me

Notice I didn't put teaching on a pedestal. I made myself the ridiculous one. I gave her something to react to. Even if the detail isn't literally true, it's the kind of dumb thing you'd say to your friends. That's the test. This is the core of Signal Inversion Theory: the text that feels risky is the one that works, and the text that feels safe is the one that dies.

She sends a selfie. Your instinct is to genuflect.

her: [selfie]

you: wow you look amazing, great photo

That's what every other guy sent her today. All 30 of them. You just volunteered to be identical. Here's mine.

her: [selfie]

you: i'm gonna need a moment. please don't text me for the next three to five business days while i recover

Still a compliment. Bigger compliment, honestly. But it's fun instead of formal. It treats her like an equal you can joke with, not a monument you're required to admire. Playing it safe here isn't neutral. It's actively sabotaging you.

the dave test

Here's the simplest filter I know.

Pull up your texts to women right now. Then imagine you have a friend named Dave. Are the texts you're sending her the same energy you'd send Dave or Charlie?

I text women who are just friends the exact same way I text my guy friends. Funny. Unfiltered. A thought pops into my head, I type it, I hit send, I go about my day. No drafting. No committee. No proofreading pass.

If the text you sent her is a text you'd never in a million years send Dave, you found your problem. You're code-switching into a nervous, over-respectful version of yourself the moment a woman is on the other end. She notices. She's talking to 20 or 30 guys who all do the same thing. Her pattern recognition is better than yours. She reads the fear between the lines. The same fear I broke down in acting terrified of women reads loud on the apps.

where does nice guy sexism actually come from?

Insecurity. Full stop.

Underneath the polite text is a belief: if she saw the real me, the unfiltered me, the me who says dumb jokes to his friends, she'd reject me. So you hide him. You send the safe guy instead. The safe guy is a performance, and performances leak.

Here's the part that should free you. Women can't be manipulated by a good opener, and they can't be manipulated by a bad one either. There's no line to crack. There's no puzzle. There's just whether the person texting them is real or wearing a costume. The pedestal is the costume. The reverence is the costume. The three-sentence proofread compliment is the costume.

Take it off. Text her like she's a person who can handle a joke, because she can. This is the same reason the version of you on the apps feels fake to her: the polished guy isn't you, and she'd rather meet the real one.

I was the guy sending every single one of those "before" texts. Wow that's so cool. Teachers don't get enough credit. You look amazing. I thought I was being respectful. I was being fragile on her behalf and calling it manners. The day I stopped is the day my response rate did something it had never done.

Nothing about this is manipulation. It's the opposite. It's finally treating her as an equal instead of a delicate thing you're afraid to break.

try The Guy at asktheguy.app. paste your conversation, get the version that actually works.

video transcript

So you think you respect women, but you actually don't. And that's why they're not responding to you. Quickly, we need to cover the fact that there are probably three forms of sexism I want to talk about real quick, give you the information you need to know that is quietly sabotaging your text game, and then explain the mindset shift that you need to make if you ultimately want to have success on the dating apps and ultimately, you know, get in the relationship that you truly desire.

So first of all, I would say there was the 1950s era Mad Men sexism. If you've watched the TV show, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Today, while most people have moved past that, I would say there is a newer, more subliminal sexism that has emerged. Primarily, you know, this has become obvious with the red pill movement.

I assume if you're watching this video, you do not subscribe to that philosophy. And the guy app that we've launched is not either. And that's why it's completely different than every single AI texting app slash coach out there. But you are quietly, even if you don't know it, and I'm sure you're a good solid guy if you're watching this video, but your texts are almost certainly displaying a form of what we would call benevolent sexism or more succinctly, I would refer to as nice guy sexism, which if you've read the book, Mr.

Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, highly recommended. I think it's called No More Mr. Nice Guy, actually. You would know then that nice guys aren't actually nice. They're actually very transactional and quite honestly fake. So what I mean by this is that your texts are almost certainly putting women on a pedestal.

And that is a form of benevolent sexism because you're not treating them as human beings. What you're doing is you're treating her like she's this glass figurine, like she's delicate, she's sensitive. So that's why you need to have the perfectly polished opener because you can't afford to say something edgy that could weird her out because she just might not be able to take it.

You don't have, you don't want to take the liberty of saying something that could be funny, but of course, funny is a double-edged sword. It could be taken the wrong way and offensive. So you'd rather not offend her. You're essentially treating her with kid gloves and she can feel this energy. It's not polite.

It's patronizing. And that's why you're not getting responses because the guys who are having the most amount of success on the dating apps are probably not what you would see on paper as the most respectful quote unquote in the traditional sense that maybe you were taught growing up, but based on their actions and their behaviors and their mindset, they're simply treating women as equals, as one of their friends.

And that is one of the things we will talk about as we get on. Last but not least, what you need to really internalize here before I show you some before-and-after text examples that will make this much clearer, is that you cannot treat women as puzzles to be solved. Rather, just treat them as people and you'll see your success skyrocket.

So let me give you some examples, 'cause I think this is key to illustrate what I'm talking about here. So say she just got back from a trip. Before, you would've probably said, or maybe you're currently saying something like, "Oh, wow, that's so cool. Where did you go? I've been wanting to travel more. Any recommendations?"

Afterwards, once you internalize the philosophy of The Guy, or just check out the app and start using it yourself, link in the comments or description, you would say something like, "Did you bring me something back or are we already off to a bad start?" Do you see how that's way more flirtatious, way more fun, way more engaging?

Which one do you think is more likely to get a response? More. She mentions she's a teacher. Before, or maybe currently, again, you're saying something like, "That's awesome. Teachers don't get enough credit, honestly. What grade do you teach?" Boring. Afterwards, with The Guy app, this is something th- it's important to notice or note that before...

I don't, I don't wanna come across as if I'm lecturing you in these videos, 'cause before I was sending these cringe texts in the before examples. But now, because of The Guy app, I am sending stuff like, "I got sent to the principal's office four times in one semester, so I'm going to need you not to hold that against me."

You see how that's way more fun, way more flirty, way more... And you're just treating her like an equal. Even if it's not true, it's something ridiculous you might tell your guy friends, and that's ultimately the test. Imagine you had a friend named Dave. Look at your dating app messages right now, or even your regular text messages to women.

Are the texts you're sending the same type of texts you would send your random friend Dave or Charlie? 'Cause I can tell you, I text with females that are just friends, and I text them the same way I would text any, any of my guy friends on my phone. Say she sends a selfie. Couple more examples. Before, "Wow, you look amazing.

That's a great photo." It's also what every other guy would say. Afterwards, you would say something, a better response would be, "I'm going to need a moment. Please do not text me for the next three to five business days while I recover." So you're, notice how you're still complimenting her in that sense, but you're still just being way more fun, way more flirtatious.

At the end of the day, The Guy app, it's not about manipulation. Women cannot be manipulated, and that's also something I should touch on, is that- All this behavior, this benevolent sexism behavior, what it really comes from, and this is where the whole nice guy, you know, persona, if you will, comes from, is that it comes from a place of insecurity because you subconsciously believe, or maybe even consciously, who knows, maybe you're that self-aware, that if you were your true self, if you were unfiltered, unhinged, just who you naturally are around her from the moment you met, you believe she would reject you if she saw your true self.

And so that's why you put on this game, this show, and she can feel that energy. She knows it. She's chatting with like 20 to 30 dudes on the apps probably per day if she really wants to. She's probably getting that many matches. So she has the pattern recognition to see right through you. Women are much better at this.

And so this is why they're not responding to your perfectly crafted, polished openers. So again, in today's, just kind of just summarize it. In today's online dating landscape, the benevolent sexism that is the message between the lines of your messages is what is sabotaging your text game. Once you can start to remove this, once you can identify this in your own text behavior and start changing it and literally just start texting them like you would your guy friends, funny, unfiltered, like a thought pops into your head, you type it out on your phone, you hit send, and you go about your day.

That is when you will start having much more success with the text game. The text game, honestly, in today's 21st century digital world, text game is going to be one of the most important things that you must master if you truly want to have success, especially when it comes to online dating. So that's it for me.

You can hear maybe the sirens in the background. They don't want you to know this information, guys. That's why I'm telling it to you. So if you are struggling on the apps and you've identified this behavior in yourself, check out the guy. Link in the description. It's the first link. You can start a free trial.

You don't need to sign up for an account. Paste in your messages. Get honest feedback and start getting advice on how to actually have these conversations. Stop shooting yourself in the foot and really just revolutionize your entire text game. Trust me, it is going to be life-changing. I was the exact guy making all the mistakes I just talked about.

Now I've had a complete mindset shift and I have never gotten a higher response rate, I would say. So that's all for me in this one. Thanks for watching. I'll see you in the next one, fellas. Take care. Bye.