// intel / psychology

playing it safe on the dating apps is sabotaging you

tldr: Playing it safe on dating apps is the riskiest thing you can do because every other guy is playing it safe too. She gets 30 to 50 matches a day and filters out anything that reads as polite and forgettable. The only way to stand out is to text absurd, unfiltered, and unhinged.

#dating-apps#texting#playing-it-safe#signal-inversion#attraction

before I can fix your text game, you have to spend five minutes in her shoes.

not metaphorically. literally. because once you understand what her side of the app actually looks like, every text you've ever sent starts to look insane. and the "safe" ones look worse than the reckless ones.

so let me walk you through it.

what does a woman's dating app experience actually look like?

she's attractive. she lives in a city. she's getting somewhere between 30 and 50 new matches a day.

per day.

now think about your LinkedIn. you're a successful guy. recruiters hit you up constantly. attractive ones. you skim the message, you clock that it's the same templated pitch as the last forty, and you close the app. you don't respond. you don't feel bad about it. you barely register that it happened.

that is her experience on the app. same, but reversed.

she's not a bitch for ignoring you. she's not "only there for validation." that's red pill nonsense that fails for the same reason blue pill nonsense fails. the truth is more boring. she has a filter. it runs automatically. it deletes anything that reads as generic before her conscious brain even weighs in.

and here's the part that breaks most guys' heads. she can't always tell you why.

why can't a woman explain why she didn't respond?

ask a female friend to look at your text. she'll say it seems fine. ask her why a match ghosted you. she'll shrug. "seemed like a nice message."

that's not her being unhelpful. that's how deep the filter runs. it's subconscious. it's a survival instinct she's been building since she was fourteen at the Target wine aisle getting hit on by strangers. she's not consciously scoring your message. she's feeling something or feeling nothing, and "nice message" is what nothing feels like.

this is the core insight behind everything my co-founder and I built. it's why asking a woman for texting advice usually makes your texting worse. she's telling you what she thinks is polite. politeness isn't the thing generating attraction. it never was.

why is playing it safe actually the risky move?

here's the reframe that changes everything.

when there's that much volume flooding her inbox, the safe text is the invisible text. every guy is playing it safe. every guy asked about her dog. every guy said "how's your week going." every guy wrote three thoughtful sentences and proofread them.

so when you play it safe, you're not avoiding risk. you're volunteering to be identical. you're guaranteeing the outcome you're scared of.

playing it safe on the apps is risky. read that again. the crowd is playing it safe. blending into the crowd is how you get ignored, not how you stay alive. this is the whole idea behind Signal Inversion Theory: the move that feels safest is usually the one killing you, and the move that feels reckless is usually the one that works.

the guys who win text like she's their friend Dave from middle school. the one they have twelve stupid inside jokes with. no filter. no cover letter. just entertaining themselves.

what does the before and after actually look like?

i was the poster child for this problem. my friend used to call me the real-life Barney Stinson. in person, i could walk up to a woman at a bar or a park, start talking, get the number, no problem.

then i'd text her. and i'd turn into Ted Mosby.

Hey Jessica, it was great to meet you tonight. I really loved the dress you were wearing. I've been thinking, would you like to grab dinner at that Italian place on Thursday?

polished. polite. thoughtful. dead on arrival.

that text has a cover letter energy. it reads like i'm applying for the position of her boyfriend and attaching references. there's zero spark in it. i did all the hard work in person and then defused the entire thing the second i picked up my phone.

here's the version that actually works.

told my therapist you're a blonde from california. she's not going to be happy.

that's it. that's the whole text.

no dinner logistics. no compliment about the dress. no proof that i'm a nice, stable, employable man. it's absurd. it's unfinished. it invents a whole scenario out of nothing. and it does the one thing the Ted Mosby text couldn't: it keeps the emotional energy alive.

the difference isn't the words. it's the posture. the first text is trying to close a deal. the second text is having fun and inviting her in. one of those is attractive. it's not the deal-closing one. trying to impress her after she already matched is the worst thing you can do, and the Italian restaurant text is a masterclass in it.

but doesn't being nice work?

you'd think so. it's what you were raised on.

here's the problem. "nice" isn't a green flag to her from a stranger. she's been burned too many times by guys who started nice and stayed nice right up until the niceness wasn't rewarded fast enough. then they flipped. Jekyll and Hyde. suddenly rude, butthurt, resentful, passive aggressive.

so when you open nice and safe, you're not reading as safe. you're reading as a guy running the exact same opening move as every guy who later turned nasty. women think the "nice guys" on the apps are the dangerous ones, and they're not wrong. the absurd text does the opposite. a guy secure enough to be a goofball on a first text isn't performing. he's got nothing to flip into.

why do one-word answers happen, and what should i actually think?

old you saw a one-word reply and spiraled. "she's not interested." "she's using me for validation." "what's her problem."

new you knows she has 40 other conversations open. of course the replies are short at first. of course some of them die. if you got 50 emails a day would you write thoughtful paragraphs back to all of them? you wouldn't answer half.

the ghost isn't a referendum on you. it's math. the fix isn't to double text an apology or ask what went wrong. the fix is to have sent something worth stopping for in the first place. and if you did get ghosted, there's a specific kind of text that reopens it instead of the needy "hey you still there" that most guys default to.

so what do i actually do?

stop treating her inbox like it's rewarding good behavior. it isn't. it's rewarding the guy who made her feel something in a sea of guys who made her feel nothing.

go unfiltered. go absurd. text her like the friend you've had since middle school, not the recruiter you're trying to impress. entertain yourself first. if a text makes you laugh while you type it, it has a pulse. if it reads like a LinkedIn message, delete it.

everything that made you successful at work is what's sabotaging you here. the polish, the caution, the thoughtful three-sentence structure. that's your career brain. your career brain is losing you dates. the more impressive you try to be, the worse you do, and it's because impressive and safe are the same move to her filter.

she's at a buffet where 90% of the food is poisoned. you don't stand out by being another beige plate. you stand out by being the one thing on the table that made her laugh.

try The Guy at asktheguy.app. paste your conversation, get the version that actually works.

video transcript

So before I can help you fix your text game, you need to spend five minutes in her shoes. Because once you do, it's going to completely change how you view a woman's dating experience, both online and offline in real life. Now, this is the transitional video for the channel. Go back and watch some of the past videos if you haven't, because they all build on one another.

We have been focused mainly so far in talking about how you're sabotaging yourself on the dating apps due to your preconceived notions. Long story short, everything that has made you successful in your career, with your hobbies, your interests, with your fitness, all those good traits are what is sabotaging you So first we need to deconstruct that.

Now before we can move on to how to actually implement this in practice and to change how you text and approach yourself on the dating apps, first we need to make this video to talk about the experience of a woman on the dating apps. 'Cause once you understand what it's like for them, then every single text message you've ever sent before, you're going to completely see in a different light.

Welcome to the world of the hot girl, gentlemen. Now you might say, "What in the world do you know about life as a hot girl?" Since I am obviously not one. That is a fair critique. All I'll say is that I once did live with one as a roommate, so I have some experience. Also, I do wear Alo sets to the gym. Now, guys, what you have to understand is that a woman is having a completely different dating experience on the apps compared to you.

So she, if she's an attractive woman, she is getting anywhere between 30 to 50 new matches per day if she lives in a major city. Think about that for a second. Now, some of you successful men, you're probably on LinkedIn, I imagine. You're probably getting hit up by attractive recruiters all the time and ghosting them.

I know I do. That's pro- That's a woman's experience on the dating app just in reverse, okay? So you have to understand that. It's like being at a buffet, but 90% of the food is poisoned. Women are the ones... You know, it's traditionally thought of as the man is the pursuer, the woman is the pursued, and that's just generally how attraction starts, right?

So it's usually up to the man to start the conversation. But she is so used to so many men, whether she's at the Target wine aisle or on the apps, men constantly throughout her day are always approaching her, always hitting on her. And let's be real here. Most, the vast majority of men, not you watching this video because I'm sure you're a solid dude, most men are probably either, one, not gonna be a good fit for her or dangerous and/or just creepy, right?

So she has naturally built this filter to filter out the wrong matches. It's not because she's a bitch, quote, unquote. It's just because it's a survival instinct. And this is very important because this explains why many times, many times... For example, if you were to ask a female friend, "What do you think about this text message?"

She might give you advice. She might tell you it's a good message to send, or you might ask her for her opinion on why she, why a match of yours didn't respond. She might think it was a fine message and not be able to give you a good reason why. This just goes to illustrate how deep down in the subconscious it is.

Now- This is one of the key underlying insights in The Guy app that my co-founder and I have developed. Link in the description. And if you need help with the text game, you have to check out this app, grab a free trial, doesn't cost you anything, and get an analysis of your text game because it will show you how to actually text like a hot girl yourself, but two, also, you'll be able to understand more about why your text game is failing for reasons why you never even considered.

Now, let me give you some examples here because you guys need examples. I know you won't get it unless I give you some examples here. So, um, let's go with like a before and after with this empathetic mindset now applied So before you thought that one word answers were just she's not interested, or she's only on the app for validation.

Typical red pill nonsense. But here's the thing, dude. She has been burned-- So you were probably asking polite, thoughtful, interview-like questions. But here's the thing. Yes, you seemed nice, quote-unquote, which is not a good trait necessarily to be perceived as from the get-go. Yes, you seem nice, but the thing is, she has been burned so many times by nice guys on the apps who started out nice, and then when that niceness was not reciprocated or rewarded, then they completely changed their personality.

It's like a Jekyll and Hyde situation, and they become nasty, rude, um, butthurt, resentful, none of which is attractive, none of which, none of which is gonna get you any success on the apps. Say you thought you said something interesting, but she ghosted you. Now, in the past, you would probably thought, and now you're considering double texting.

In the past, you probably would have thought, "Oh, what's her problem? Was she leading me on? Why isn't she responding?" But here's the thing, dude. When you understand that she's getting thirty to fifty new matches per day, it's just natural she's not going to respond. I mean, if you were getting fifty new emails per day, would you respond to all of them?

Of course you wouldn't. So what you guys need to start doing is, first of all, you need to understand that because there is so much inbounds happening on the apps, that is why when you text, you must go unfiltered, you must go absurd. Playing it safe is actually risky. Let me repeat that. Playing it safe on the apps is risky because every other guy is playing it safe.

So if you want to just, you know, stand in with the crowd and blend in with the crowd, then go ahead, play it safe. Ask her about her dog for the hundredth time. But if you wanna actually be the guy, then you have to go absurd, you have to go unhinged, you have to be ridiculous. You just have to text them like it's your friend Dave that you've known since middle school, that you have all these weird inside absurd jokes with, and just have fun and entertain yourself, and then you will see a sea change.

And guys, I was the dude who was, um... You know, I was thinking about this getting ready for the video. My friend would tell me... It was funny. My friend would tell me that I am the real-life Barney Stinson, and he said it, um, not including some of the more negative borderline sexist characteristics of that particular character.

Because I would go out to the bars or just go out to the park and be able to, you know, strike up conversations with women in person, which I know a lot of you guys struggle with, and get their numbers. But then once I got the number, here's the thing I would turn into Ted Mosby. I would text them like, "Hey Jessica, just wanted to let you know it was great to meet you tonight.

Really loved the dress you were wearing. Um, I've been thinking, would you like to go to this Italian restaurant?" It's like, dude, no. It's not gonna work. You have to go absurd and unhinged. Something like, "Told my therapist you're a blonde from California. She's not gonna be happy." Something like that.

Something to keep the emotional spark and energy alive. So hopefully this video ... Kinda went off the rails at the end there, I will admit, but hopefully this video has helped you kind of think about what it's like to be a hot girl on the apps and how this realization can affect your text game going forward.

Like I said, if you wanna, you can't afford to blend in because then you're just gonna get ghosted on the apps every single time. So hopefully this was helpful, guys. If you need help with the text game, check out the link in the description and get an analysis of where you're going wrong and three lines to move forward every single time you need to pick up a conversation.

So that's all for me, and also make sure to go and watch all the different videos I am putting out in this series. They all build on one another. This was actually a course we were going to release for $2,000, but we decided to give it away for free because it's just too impactful not to. All right, guys.

If you have any questions, also drop a comment and I will get back to you as well. Anyways, five videos per week, Monday through Friday. Subscribe to the channel so you don't miss any. Thanks for watching. I'll see you in the next one.

Bye.