// intel / psychology

perfectly normal on the dating apps = dangerous

tldr: When you perform normalcy on dating apps, women read it as a threat, not a green flag. Presenting yourself as too perfect triggers the uncanny valley, and she starts wondering what you're hiding. Texting like your actual self, flaws included, is what makes her relax.

#dating-apps#texting#attraction#authenticity#first-dates

i was this exact guy.

good career. nice apartment. active social life. hobbies i actually cared about. everything figured out except the one thing i kept failing at. dating.

so i did what every guy in my position does. i optimized. i asked thoughtful questions. i made observations about her bio. i took her to nice restaurants. i presented myself like a strong candidate. clean. considerate. normal.

and it kept not working.

here's what took me too long to understand. the normal was the problem. performing normalcy on the apps isn't neutral. it reads as dangerous. and she's picking up on it before you even get to the date.

why does being normal make me look dangerous?

because you're not actually normal. you're a human being with weirdness and idiosyncrasies like everyone else. so when you present as this perfectly curated, question-asking, well-behaved catch, she doesn't think "wow, finally, a good one."

she thinks "what is he hiding."

this is Signal Inversion Theory in action. everything that made you successful in your career works against you on the apps. the polish. the professionalism. the careful presentation. it distorts the signal. the digital channel strips out everything that made you a real person and leaves a resume behind.

think about American Psycho. Patrick Bateman is the perfect guy. Wall Street career. great shape. charismatic. social. and he's a serial killer. that's the association a woman runs in her head when a stranger presents as flawless. too perfect isn't a green flag. it's an alarm.

men can't relate to this because men never feel physically unsafe meeting a stranger. women do that calculation every single time. so when you show up too clean, too dialed in, too curated, you trip the uncanny valley. you look like an AI slop version of yourself. close to human but off. and off is creepy.

meanwhile the guy cleaning up on the apps is poorly groomed, has a questionable career path, and doesn't try. she can see all his flaws. so she relaxes. she knows exactly who she's dealing with.

what's the before-and-after on a confirmation text?

let me give you the exact moment most guys blow it. you made date plans three days ago. now it's Friday afternoon, date's Friday night. so you send the confirmation.

Hey Jessica! Really looking forward to tonight! Just wanna make sure we're still good to meet up at [bar] at 8pm?

that's the text. that's the one 90% of you are sending right now.

it's terrible for two reasons. the eagerness, sure. two exclamation points on a Friday afternoon like it's your first date ever. but the real damage is deeper. you just reopened the sale.

you asked her "are you sure you still wanna do this? because you don't have to. if something better came up, i understand." that's the subtext. you handed her the exit before she asked for it.

here's what The Guy sends instead.

just so you know, i'm on a strict curfew tonight. don't get any wild ideas.

no confirmation of logistics. no eagerness. you assume the date is happening. you assume she's more into you than you are into her. and you plant a challenge she'll want to break. she's going to want to keep you out past curfew now. that's the point.

it shows boundaries. discipline. a life with things in it. and it flips the frame so she's chasing. this is the same reason playing it safe is quietly sabotaging you. safe reads as scared, and scared reads as hiding something.

what about the dreaded text after the date?

date went well. she gets home, texts you she's back safe. now you're in the restart phase. the day-after conversation. and this is where guys panic and reach for the resume again.

Hey Jessica, it was so great getting to know you last night. Let me know when you'd like to get dinner. How about Tuesday or Friday? There's this place I think you'd love.

you think this is a good text. you're showing intention. taking initiative. leading. picking the spot.

it's a job offer. it's a LinkedIn recruiter DM. it's you interviewing her for the position of second date. there's no fun in it. no tension. no evidence you're an actual person she spent an evening with.

The Guy references something real from the date and turns it into a bit. say you found out she's a Gemini.

told my therapist you're a Gemini. she immediately doubled my rates.

read it again. she's the dangerous one. she's so much of a handful you had to alert your therapist, and the therapist agreed and raised the price. it references the actual date, which matters, but it does it through play instead of a scheduling form. you build a little banter first, then set up the next date. the plan comes after the tension, not instead of it.

if you want to see why the "impressive" version keeps backfiring, i wrote about trying to impress her being the worst move and it's the same mechanism at work here.

why does showing my flaws make her comfortable?

this is the whole thing. when she knows your red flags, she can relax.

"okay, he's a little quirky. he's into video games. he's a bit strange. i can deal with that." she's filed you as a known quantity. real. imperfect. safe precisely because you're not hiding.

but when you act perfectly dialed in, when there's no seam anywhere, she has nothing to hold. so her brain fills the gap with the worst-case version. the polish creates the suspicion. the more curated you look, the more she wonders what's underneath.

the fix isn't to text weirdly for the sake of it. it's to text like you. the same way you'd text your friend Chaz, text Jessica. no filter, no persona, no good-guy performance you built after a string of failures. those failures are exactly why you started filtering yourself. and the filtering is the problem.

does this apply beyond text?

it does, and here's my proof. weather permitting, i show up to first dates fully suited. tie, cufflinks, French cuff shirt, the whole thing.

every friend i asked, male and female, told me not to. too much. too intense. don't do it.

i did it anyway. for the last two years. every single time, the woman loves it. the dates go well.

not because a suit is magic. because it's authentically me. i dress well normally, so it's one step up, not a costume. she can tell i'm not performing. i'm just being the guy who wears the suit. that's the point. authenticity beats the safe consensus choice every time, which is why the best guys so often have the worst text game. they were never trained to be liked by a stranger through a screen. they were trained to be normal. and normal is the trap.

stop performing the good catch. she doesn't want the resume. she wants to know who she's actually dealing with.

try The Guy at asktheguy.app. paste your conversation, get the version that actually works.

video transcript

You are performing normalcy and it's killing you both on the apps with your text game and in person on the dates. Let me explain because I was this exact guy. I was the guy who was basically just like a mismatch of all the conventional dating advice that we've all come across. Ask her questions about herself.

Present yourself well. Take her out to a nice restaurant. All these things are you masking your own insecurity, which is coming across in your text communication as well as your physical in-person communication. These... This is one of the big mindset shifts you need to make if you wanna have success on the dating apps and specifically with the text game because this mindset that you're almost certainly suffering from, and let me tell you, you know you're suffering from it if you are a successful dude with a good career, nice apartment, good social life, fun, interesting, active hobbies.

If you've got everything figured out in your life except the dating situation, whether you just wanna have things, you know, in a more casual setup or you wanna have things in a more serious long-term relationship setup, whatever the case is, if you've got everything figured out in life but not the dating, then you're almost certainly guilty of this.

This is what we call the signal inversion theory. I have made videos on the past, but basically it's all your good traits are holding you back. Everything that has made you successful holds you back in the online dating landscape because the digital signal distorts the message. And because you've had...

Now, I say that because I need to set up the next part. Because you've had these failures online or just in dating in general, you've built this persona that you're now faking on the dates, and this is important to bring up because she can feel that the persona is fake and she knows it's fake because you're too perfect.

That's the problem But the truth is, is that you're not perfect because you're a human being, and like all of us, we have our faults, we have our problems, we have our idiosyncrasies, our weirdness, but that's what makes each and every one of us special and unique. But the problem is, is that she can tell you are performing normalcy.

You are performing like you are a good catch on paper. So you're asking her questions, you're making thoughtful observations on her bio, all this sort of stuff. Meanwhile, the guy who cleans up on the apps is a guy who doesn't even try, is poorly groomed, has q- has a questionable career path at the moment, and yet he's killing it.

And what you need to understand is that it comes down to this uncanny valley. Think of it like when you present yourself as too perfect, the woman is not going to think to herself, "Wow, he's perfect. This is the guy I've been waiting for." No, she's gonna think the exact opposite. It's very counterintuitive.

She's going to think to herself, "Wow, this guy is so perfect. This guy is presenting himself so well. What is he hiding from me? What could he possibly have that he's keeping secret from me?" I mean, think about it, guys. If you watch the, uh, the movie, American Psycho, David Bateman is, like, the perfect guy.

He's got a great career on Wall Street. He's in great shape. Um, he's social, he's charismatic, he's all this, but he's a serial killer. And that's what women have to deal with, which the man experience or the male experience really just cannot relate to because we never really think of ourselves as being in danger.

So that is why it is so key that you just cannot be performing, and she can pick up on this. And it all goes back to not just the signal inversion theory, which I talked about, but also two more recent videos on this channel, which you must also check out. I highly recommend. Number one, the benevolent sexism, you treating her like she's a puzzle to be solved rather than just a human being to have a conversation with.

That and the fact that all of your insecurities and your failures have led you The fact that you feel like you need to filter yourself and put on this good guy persona is just part of the problem. It's part of why you're not having success on the dating apps. Now, I wanna give you two concrete examples which I think will help you, because these two examples I'm gonna give you, both how men will typically text before a date versus how they will typically text after a date, I think it illustrates exactly what I'm trying to get at.

And I'm gonna show you what most guys would text before the dates and after the date, and then what The Guy app, link in the description here, would send instead. And The Guy app was developed by me and my co-founder because I was suffering from all the problems I'm laying out here. That's where the entire philosophy comes, 'cause I was the guy who had it all figured out.

And I was even-- In the dating realm, I was going out cold approaching, talking to women in parks just like this. And yet, despite having great interactions, approaching confidently, doing everything you're supposed to do there, you know, having a good conversation, injecting intention, flirtation, challenging where appropriate, ultimately getting the number, making plans, I would still not get responses over, over text, even though I just had a great in-person interaction, so it should be a stronger lead, quote-unquote, than, you know, a random dating app match.

And yet I still wasn't getting responses 'cause I would fall into all the traps I've been talking to, talking to you about in this video. So first of all, say you make date plans with a woman. Most likely you're gonna text something... Say it's the day of. You made the date plans three days ago, now it's the day of.

It's Friday afternoon. Date is Friday night. You're probably gonna text her something like, "Hey Jessica, smiley face," or, "Hey Jessica, exclamation point, really looking forward to tonight, exclamation point. Just wanna make sure we're still good to meet up at insert bar name at eight PM, question mark?" Now that's a terrible text to send, but that's probably what the vast majority of you are sending right now.

It's a terrible text to send because number one, you're coming across as overeager, too excited, as if, as if this is like the first date you've ever gone on. But more importantly than that, much more importantly than that, you've effectively or you've essentially reopened the sale. You've essentially asked her like, "Hey, are you sure you wanna do this?

Because you really don't need to. If you have better plans, I understand. Go ahead and cancel on me." That is the subtext of a text like that. Now, if you were to send that message to The Guy, if you were to run it by The Guy app, which is essentially an AI text coach, so you can get out of your own way, The Guy would tell you that's a terrible text for all the reasons I just said.

The Guy would instead recommend you say something like, "Hey Jessica, just so you know, I'm on a strict curfew tonight. Don't get any wild ideas." Something like that. So much more fun. You're assuming she's actually gonna be way more into you than you are into her, and that she's gonna try and keep you out past your bedtime, past your curfew, and that you're a disciplined man and that you need to actually stay and, you know, keep things-- cut things off at a reasonable hour on a Friday night.

That text is just way more attractive. Shows you have boundaries, discipline, goals you're probably trying to hit, um, but it's also like a subtle challenge. Like she is going to naturally want to challenge the curfew, and then you can go from there however you're feeling. Now say it's, um, say it's... Okay, the date goes well, and then the dreaded text afterwards happens.

Like what are you supposed to say? Now sometimes she'll text you, sometimes she won't. Depends on, you know, various different factors. Like if, uh, she's gonna take a taxi or an Uber home, you probably will text her something like, "All right, let me know when you get home." She'll text you when she gets home, and then from there, that's when you're kind of like in this restart the conversation phase the day after.

Now before, me and many other guys with-- before The Guy app, we would text something re- something just terrible like, "Hey Jessica, it was so great getting to know you last night. Let me know when you would like to get dinner. How about Tuesday or Friday? This place, blah, blah, blah." Now you think that's a good text because you're showing your intention, you're showing you like her, um, you're taking the lead and the initiative, quote-unquote, and you're like, "Yo, let's go out this t- day and time.

I already picked a new place." Could work, it could not work. I don't know. Depends on the, the exact situation, I would say. But A much better text would say... Well, number one, you would wanna reference something that actually happened on the date. Say, you know, she-- you found out she's a, uh, Gemini. These girls are super into, like, their signs or whatever.

You could just say something like, "Told my therapist you're a Gemini. She immediately doubled my rates." Something like that. Way more fun, positions her as the dangerous one. She's so dangerous, in fact, you had to shoot off a, a text message to your therapist, and the therapist agrees, and that's why she's doubling your rate going forward.

So you see how that's way more fun, way more interesting? And the key thing here, you wanna have a little bit of banter back and forth before you set up the next date, but that's just, you know, outside the scope of this video for today. So yeah, guys, the key thing to internalize here is that you must stop performing this nice guy, you know, syndrome, as we'll call it.

You must stop performing like you're a good catch and just be yourself. So that means texting weirdly, that means-- Well, not weirdly, just texting like you. The same way you would text your friend Chaz, text this new girl, Jessica or Amanda. Same way. 'Cause otherwise, when she knows your red flags, this is what it comes down to, guys.

When she knows your red flags, she can actually be relaxed and comfortable with you because you're... She's like, "All right, he's a little quirky, he's a little strange. Oh, he's into video games. Okay, I can deal with all that." But when you act like, you know, you're all dialed in, like, you know, Jason Bateman or whoever the American Psycho character is, hopefully that's his name, then she's gonna automatically start assuming the worst.

By you presenting yourself as this good catch, this perfectly curated mismatch of all the conventional dating advice, you kinda come across as, like, an AI slop version of yourself. It's just too perfect. It's the too uncanny valley, and because of that, it kinda creeps people out. Best way to illustrate this is...

This video's gonna be longer than I thought it would, but it's fine. Best way I can illustrate this concept to you guys is the fact that, for example, on a first date, weather permitting, as long as it's not, like, you know, 90-plus degrees or 80-plus degrees, I show up to the first date totally suited up.

I'm talking tie, everything, cufflinks, you name it. French cuff shirt. Now, that is, like, so counterintuitive. Most people would say do not wear a suit. In fact, I asked my friends, both male and female, should I wear a suit on the first date? I presented why I thought it was a good idea. I am into, like, dressing well normally, so it's, like, not, you know, it's not, like, me going out of my way.

It's, like, one step up from where I would normally dress on a day-to-day basis. Um, everyone told me it was a bad idea. Everyone said, "Don't do it. It's too much. It's too intense." I did it anyway. I've been doing it anyway for the past year or two. Every single time I wear a suit, the woman loves it. Totally loves it.

And the dates usually go pretty well. But any guy who is... But that kind of just illustrates to you the key of acting as your authentic self, because when you act like that She just knows you're not putting on an act. She knows you're just being yourself, and now she actually knows who she's dealing with.

All right, guys, hopefully you got a lot out of this video. If you need help with the text game, check out The Guy, link in the description. It's a free trial. Paste in any conversation of either a new match or a match that you don't know where you're currently at, or maybe if it's a girl you've even been seeing for a while and you just don't know where things stand based on a text conversation, paste in the screenshot.

The Guy will analyze the situation. We'll give you an analysis of what's currently going on and give you lines to move the conversation forward. Give you three options. You pick the best one. All right, that's it for me. That's all, guys. Happy Memorial Day. Talk to you later. Bye.